Hi,
As pointed out in the post from “HonestOpinion”, above, the Footswitches C & D should perform a factory reset. You said that you have tried this without success, which seems odd. You also say that it “just... boots up normally”. What do you expect it to do? If it boots up “normally” then it’s working.
I’m slightly amused, and confused, by your comment - “I'm paranoid about bricking it by doing something wrong.” - yet proceed to blindly start to push footswitch combinations at random. That could have left your unit totally FUBAR.
I’m also intrigued as to why you would need to perform a factory reset on what, to all intents and purposes, is a brand new device? You didn’t say what disaster you encountered that would require this sort of reset.
If you have tried the recommended factory reset and it hasn’t worked, then you really need to contact Customer Support and explain the situation to them. Your unit is covered by warranty.
Hope this helps/makes sense.
EDIT:
I must have been only half awake before - You could try the “Safe Boot” option and re-flash the firmware, see if that works!